Dear Zachary

I finally found someone to hack into your laptop yesterday. I didn’t have the courage to look at it until today. I must say I am completely pissed. I was looking for answers, a journal of a depressed kid, photos, videos, anything special. I only found your homework. College papers I helped you with; math assignments that made you frustrated. You left me no clues, no hints, no reasons, no explanation. I have run a million things through my mind and nothing about your death makes sense. You left here happy and you never returned. What happened that was so horrible to make you take your own life? What kind of hurt did you endure that left you lifeless? Why didn’t you call me; you know I would have come. I have rescued you for your whole life; all you had to do was ask for help. I don’t understand. It is all so confusing. I am trying not to be angry at “the girl” but she was arguing with you. What did she say that hit you so deep that you didn’t want to breathe? I cannot wrap my mind around the thought that you are really gone. I am still waiting for your car to come up the driveway. I look in your room and you left so many things undone. A life interrupted, cut short, not meant to end this way. I know I will never have the answers I am seeking; I only hope that in time I can stop asking. I love you more than words and I miss you beyond belief. 

~Mom

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4 responses to “Dear Zachary

  1. Melissa, like you, I have no answers, no clues why my son ended his life 2 years ago. He was not depressed, and had no mental illness. He did it on impulse and I don’t even know what that impulse was. If anyone knows, they have not told me. It’s hard not knowing, but I remind myself that even if I knew, the fact of his death would not change. I’m so sorry for the loss of your son, Zachary.

    Liked by 1 person

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