What if

The what ifs are driving me insane. What if Zachary had been born on his due date instead of being a premie? What if I had not divorced his father? What if I had not moved from our home state to SC? What if I had home schooled him so he would not have been bullied? What if I had not held him back in 4th grade? What if I had not allowed him to go to the skating rink during those middle school years? What if I had agreed to art school sooner instead of pushing a different college agenda? What if I had waited up Christmas Eve and called him when you wasn’t home at the time he said he would be? What if I had looked in his room when I got up to pee at 2am and called to ask why he wasn’t home yet? What if I had told him suicide was against the rules? What if this never happened? But it did happen. Acceptance is a hard thing. IT DID HAPPEN. I can tell myself that and logically I understand it. However, my heart keeps looking out the window, down the driveway, waiting for him to come home. THE COLD HARD TRUTH IS: HE IS NEVER COMING HOME! God called him to his eternal home and wrapped him in eternal peace and comfort. All the what ifs in the world will not change the facts. Even if I had the answer to every question, my Zachary would still be gone and I would still be here to sort out the grief and anger and saddness. Today I pray for the good Lord to touch my heart and soul and take away the “what ifs”.

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4 responses to “What if

  1. My sweet Melissa we all have our what ifs. I love you more than you will ever know! You did the best you could no child come with a manual on how to raise them we do the best we can. You gave him your best, you did what any mother would do tried to teach him from your life. We all want the best for our children. I have no idea what you are going though. I pray for you daily and our whole family. we all are lost at why!. I wish there was something, anything I could do to help you with the pain. All I can do is love you, and pray. Our Zach is with God. I pray for your healing. again I love you!
    Cathy

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  2. Cathy is right. We could all What if ourselves in all areas of our lives but none of us get a do-over. Most of us, you included, do the best we can with the knowledge we have. I know this loss hurts worse than anything you’ve ever faced in life but NOTHING is too big for God. Just keep praying, as we all are, for the peace and comfort that only he can bring. I loved you yesterday, I love you more today and will love you even more tomorrow. If there is anything I can do or any way I can help you, you have only to ask. Mom

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