The what ifs are driving me insane. What if Zachary had been born on his due date instead of being a premie? What if I had not divorced his father? What if I had not moved from our home state to SC? What if I had home schooled him so he would not have been bullied? What if I had not held him back in 4th grade? What if I had not allowed him to go to the skating rink during those middle school years? What if I had agreed to art school sooner instead of pushing a different college agenda? What if I had waited up Christmas Eve and called him when you wasn’t home at the time he said he would be? What if I had looked in his room when I got up to pee at 2am and called to ask why he wasn’t home yet? What if I had told him suicide was against the rules? What if this never happened? But it did happen. Acceptance is a hard thing. IT DID HAPPEN. I can tell myself that and logically I understand it. However, my heart keeps looking out the window, down the driveway, waiting for him to come home. THE COLD HARD TRUTH IS: HE IS NEVER COMING HOME! God called him to his eternal home and wrapped him in eternal peace and comfort. All the what ifs in the world will not change the facts. Even if I had the answer to every question, my Zachary would still be gone and I would still be here to sort out the grief and anger and saddness. Today I pray for the good Lord to touch my heart and soul and take away the “what ifs”.