For the longest time we have said “Damn it, Carmine”. It was an inside joke. Carmine got the blame for everything; drops, spills, forgeting to feed the cat. I don’t remember where it came from or what the joke was. But I have decided that blaming Carmine is what I will continue to do until I find myself in better days. I know that surely the sharpness of the pain will dull into an ache at some future time; until then Damn it, Carmine! It pains me that I don’t remember where the “Carmine” came from and it pains me to realize that I can’t remember some many other things also. It seems that I should remember more. I should have paid closer attention; perhaps if I had known Zachary’s time was going to be so short I would have written every word he spoke down somewhere. We talked so much yet I remember so little. I hope I will remember more when this grief fog becomes less dense or the sheer shock of it all finally wears off.
Damn it, Carmine! I am missing Zachary so much today. I know it is Valentine’s Day and he was much to old for his mom to buy him a valentine but he would have been asking for approval of whatever Valentine he had bought for “her”. And I am surely the person who would have wrapped it or added ribbons and bows to make it extra special. “She” has crossed my mind a million times today, I know this is probably a horrible day for “her”. I feel sorry for “her”. But I know I cannot ease “her” pain anymore than “she” can ease mine.
Damn it, Carmine! Zachary should be here to attend his nephew’s birthday party tomorrow. My precious little Doodlebug will be 4 and he is having a Spiderman/Batman party. I know Zachary would say that you can’t combine the two and he would give us all the reasons Spiderman is better. And no doubt he would be wearing his Spiderman hoodie.
Damn it, Carmine! You took my son away and I want him back. I know that isn’t possible and I know life keeps moving forward with or without my active participation. Damn it, Carmine, this new reality really sucks.