When you run out

What to do when you run out of words, when you run out of tears, when you run out of listeners, when you run out of patience, when you run out of motivation, when you run out of energy, when you run out of screams, when you run out of answers, when you run out of questions, when you run out of everything.

I have said all I can say aloud without causing a stir. I have cried oceans and rivers. I have talked till people are tired of hearing my voice. I have lost the art of having patience with people when they unintentional say asinine things. I have lost the “want to” and am just trying to do the “have to”. I am exhausted beyond belief. I can’t scream anymore for fear my voice will not recover. I have no answers that will bring me peace or understanding. I have no more questions to ask; I have run every possible scenario in my head. I have no idea what I want or what I need.

My friend said to me that to grieve deeply is to have loved deeply. Yes, I loved Zachary deeply and still do. The feeling of the million shards of glass through the heart has not even begun to dull. From the outside looking in, I am acutely aware that others think I am dwelling and “not trying”. From the inside looking out, it is quite impossible not to dwell. This boy I gave birth to and loved and cherished and tried to protect; he was always on my mind when he was living. (Just as all my children are.) How can anyone expect me not to continue to have him always on my mind? That seems to be the only thing I haven’t run out of . . . thoughts of my boy.


6 responses to “When you run out

  1. If ok with you, I’d like to reblog this post. I would never claim to understand what you’re going through, but there is so much power in your words that I think they could help people who read my blog.

    This may sound strange, but I see such love and beauty and grace in what you share that I believe Zachary is with you in so many ways. Love and light to you.


  2. Reblogged this on The Aztlan Blog by juan blea and commented:
    I’ve written various posts about the beauty and love i hear in a mother’s grief. However, I could never capture the grace that this post does. This is one of the most beautiful, yet heart-tugging things I’ve ever read. I really needed to share.


  3. Hey,

    So so so early days, be kind to yourself. Grief takes a long time, grieving the loss of a child takes longer, grief following suicide takes longer…. add them all in together, i.e. grieving your child following his suicide is going to take longer still.

    Have I linked you to the Help is at Hand booklet? it is available to download here. (http://cebmh.warne.ox.ac.uk/csr/linksbereaved.html )

    Whilst I recognise that lot’s of it will be inapplicable to you as it’s a uk based booklet, I wonder if some of it will be of comfort to you. I found a lot of comfort in it, but more appropriately for you my Mum found it helpful; i.e. to really see it written down what she is going through and what to expect from her grief.

    This is your time for your new normal and it sucks, what mother wants a world without their son in it, and if people are vocalising that you’re not trying I would be reconsidering their purpose in your life.

    Just keep breathing, one intake at a time.

    Liked by 1 person

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