Three events have rocked my very foundation in my 42 years. Three painful events.
The first, losing custody of my daughter in 1999. It ripped through my heart and soul with such intensity that I thought I would not survive. I had to learn to live within the parameters of my pain. I worked hard to be the best 4 day a month mother I could be. I still occasionally mourn the things I missed in her childhood because she lived elsewhere. But I am satisfied that she had a stable home and a loving family in both houses.
The second, the death of my daddy. I knew it was coming. I went home to see him both Thanksgiving and Christmas of 2012. I knew that would be the last time I would see him alive. He was called to his heavenly home on January 7, 2013. The intensity of that pain ripped through me and again I thought I would not survive. Again, I learned to live within the parameters of not only my pain but also his absence.
The third, the death of my first born son. On Christmas Day 2013, he took his own life. I had no warning, I was completely blind sided. Again, I feel as if I cannot possibly survive the intensity of the pain. I do not know how to learn to live within the parameters of the pain, his absence and all the questions surrounding his death. I knew he had been unstable in the past and had some suicidal tendencies; but in the month of December he seemed so much better. I am left with so many questions, so much guilt, and so much void. There is a hole in my heart that shall never be filled again. A piece of myself died with him. I have to learn to live as less of a person now. He physically took parts of me with him.
Three life changing events, each one taught me some of what I needed to cope with what was coming next. Each loss hurt more deeply than the previous but somehow I had come out of the previous loss with tools needed for the next. I don’t know how long it will take me to move forward and pick up the pieces of the devastation but I assume I will eventually. And when I do I will have added another tool to my mental toolbox to prepare me for whatever comes next.