Your Room

I have been in your room all day, cleaning and rearranging things. I examined each item carefully; trying to decide whether it was one of your true treasures or just something meaningless bought on a whim.  The smell of you lingers in the room and on everything. I laughed at some of your “toys”, I cried over some of your pictures. I tried so hard to remember where every single thing came from. Did I buy it? Was it a gift? Did you buy it? The level of items that I can not identify is overwhelming. I need to consult with a computer nerd and a musical nerd. And what is with the huge bag of cords??? They are tangled so tightly that I gave up hope and threw them back in the bag. In some insane place in my heart and soul, I thought if I cleaned your room that maybe you would come home to it. If your spirit is able to visit me please stop by —  I need to see your beautiful face, hear the whisper of your voice in my ear, feel your presence wrap around me. I miss you more than I can put into words. The pain is unbearable without you in my world. I wish I could turn back the hands of time and undo those final moments. I am lost and immobilized by my grief. I feel like a train that has derailed. I cannot move forward, nor backward, I can not figure out how to get back up on the tracks. Everyday feels like an eternity but then again it seems I saw you only yesterday. The gaping hole in heart cannot be filled.

Love, Mom

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4 responses to “Your Room

  1. I walked through Zachary’s room with you because your words are a vivid description of the joy and the ultimate sorrow of a loving mom. My son was married so I did not have to contend with “his room” but I possess nearly everything he had, now…and I will not part with any of it. I just cannot. I have said a prayer for you this morning and asked God to have peace settle in and hold your hand. I pray that you will see your son in a dream …the kind that feels so real that you know that when you wake you felt his warm hugs and saw him smile.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your kind words. I was a difficult task and I only got about half way through the process. I will have to find the strength to finish on another day. I understand about not parting with any items. I don’t think I will ever be able to part with any of Zachary’s things either~even the ones that don’t make sense to me.

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      • I think it is a boy thing to have those bags of cords ,etc…just things that don’t make sense to anyone but him. My husband has so many electrical cords and adapters out in his workshop that he could start his own electric company.

        I have something of Brandon in every room in my house, including my bathroom (a picture of him and me on the mirror.) His spirit…his essence is not only in my heart but everywhere. I will not let him be forgotten. It would be an impossibility. You will find yourself doing whatever must be done to give you comfort. While I don’t consider it a shrine to my son’s memory, I do consider it a tribute to his life.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I commend your courage in not only being able to go through your son’s things but for also being able to laugh and have those cherished memories. I’m not able to do that yet. My daughter’s things are exactly as she left nearly 11 months ago. Sending you wishes for another day of strength.

    Liked by 1 person

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