It has been six months that I have survived without seeing your face.
And approximately 18 months without seeing my Daddy. I am not sure how I have survived. I am not sure how so much time has floated past me. I have accomplished nothing. I have desperately tried to fill the holes with food and shopping. I have gained 40 pounds that took me from a size 4 to a very tight size 10. Not all that attractive at only 4’11”. Shopping for new clothes started the spending spree. Not good for the debt free track I was previously on. I was all set to attend college Jan 2014 with Zachary; dropped all those classes and did nothing instead. I am thinking maybe I will attend fall semester. I can still hear Zach saying “You can do it, Mom”, “half the women in my classes are your age and not nearly as smart as you”. I think he was right about the age not sure about the smart part. I sit and think of all the things I want to do, the things I should do, but my heart is so heavy that it is hard to breathe. Luckily, breathing is involuntary; it continues for you even when you are at your lowest. I try to find things to look forward to but I seem to only call to mind his coming birthday in October followed by the one-year mark. I find myself dwelling on how Christmas will feel for us. I used to believe that memories of a trauma can’t hurt you. No matter how vivid the memory, the actual trauma is over and can’t touch you. I don’t think I believe that anymore. The memory of the coroner in my house is acutely painful. The words he said; the screams from myself; the feeling that I would surely die myself from the pain of it all. I love you Zachary and I would trade places with you if I could; just so you could have your future. I hope somehow you can see from Heaven how much you are missed and how many people were touched by you in your short life. If there is a theatre in Heaven, I hope you have the lead role and break a leg at every performance. If you have a guitar up there, I hope you are playing loudly. If you have a sketch pad and pencils, I hope all your drawings are from the heart. If you have a tattoo gun, I hope the angels are lined up for your awesome artwork. If you have an XBox, I hope you always have the latest game and the highest score.