Six Months

It has been six months that I have survived without seeing your face.

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And approximately 18 months without seeing my Daddy. I am not sure how I have survived. I am not sure how so much time has floated past me. I have accomplished nothing. I have desperately tried to fill the holes with food and shopping. I have gained 40 pounds that took me from a size 4 to a very tight size 10. Not all that attractive at only 4’11”. Shopping for new clothes started the spending spree. Not good for the debt free track I was previously on. I was all set to attend college Jan 2014 with Zachary; dropped all those classes and did nothing instead. I am thinking maybe I will attend fall semester. I can still hear Zach saying “You can do it, Mom”, “half the women in my classes are your age and not nearly as smart as you”. I think he was right about the age not sure about the smart part. I sit and think of all the things I want to do, the things I should do, but my heart is so heavy that it is hard to breathe. Luckily, breathing is involuntary; it continues for you even when you are at your lowest. I try to find things to look forward to but I seem to only call to mind his coming birthday in October followed by the one-year mark. I find myself dwelling on how Christmas will feel for us. I used to believe that memories of a trauma can’t hurt you. No matter how vivid the memory, the actual trauma is over and can’t touch you. I don’t think I believe that anymore. The memory of the coroner in my house is acutely painful. The words he said; the screams from myself; the feeling that I would surely die myself from the pain of it all. I love you Zachary and I would trade places with you if I could; just so you could have your future. I hope somehow you can see from Heaven how much you are missed and how many people were touched by you in your short life. If there is a theatre in Heaven, I hope you have the lead role and break a leg at every performance. If you have a guitar up there, I hope you are playing loudly. If you have a sketch pad and pencils, I hope all your drawings are from the heart. If you have a tattoo gun, I hope the angels are lined up for your awesome artwork. If you have an XBox, I hope you always have the latest game and the highest score.

Love Mom

 

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4 responses to “Six Months

  1. I love you more than words. My hearts hurts for you, but I can’t do anything to make any of this any less painful. I wish there could be an easy plan, but we know there just is not. All I can do is pray, though watching my Mama go through twice what you are going through let me learn that we should pray, but even prayer sometimes doesn’t help because you hurt so much. Life just moves on like all the days before Zachary left and you keep hanging in there trying to figure out how to live without one of your babies, I cannot imagine it. Anyway I just hope you know I am here if you need me my sweet friend.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Dianne. You know I love you too. I think of you often but I just can’t seem to find any motivation to contact anyone right now. Please know I haven’t forgotten you.

      Like

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