It has been brought to my attention by multiple persons that I am not doing “better” even though it has been nearly 8 months since Zachary left my world. The definition of the word better:
adjective: partly or fully recovered from illness, injury, or mental stress; less unwell.
verb: improve on or surpass (an existing or previous level or achievement).
No, I am not better; nor am I getting better. I will never fully recover from this tragedy and I certainly do not see anything in my world improving from the loss of my child. At some point, hopefully I will learn to cope, or manage my grief. It has ONLY been 8 months! Hopefully, I will learn to live in this new world where a vital piece of me is missing. That point has not come yet and I don’t see it looming anywhere in my near future. Grief has no time clock; the sand doesn’t run out; it is not an absolute that can be quantified in any manner. Grief just is. It will be with me always. The intensity may fluctuate, but it will remain forever. I will not apologize for my tears, my angry outbursts or any other grief behavior. This is a time in my life that I will find out who really loves me unconditionally and who was just interested in the person I was before this tragedy struck. To those who have moved on and made peace; I am thankful and I do not condemn you for finding joy without him. I only ask that others not condemn me for not moving on yet; for not finding joy or peace without him.
Forever Zachary’s Mom.