Yesterday was my 43rd birthday. My only wish would have been to see Zachary again. I know that was not possible so I tried to have an ok day without him. My birthday is exactly 2 months before his. October 13th is approaching like a freight train. Which means that Christmas Day is also heading toward me all too quickly. I have had numerous people ask me how our family will ever have Christmas again. I do not have an answer but I do know that we will have Christmas. It will come whether we want it to or not. It will come with pain, it will come as the one year anniversary of a child lost. I don’t yet how I will prevent myself from dwelling on the sadness. Last December, Zachary and I spent so much time Christmas shopping together. However, we have little people to consider. Christmas cannot evaporate for them. Two precious grandbabies (ages 4 and 1) will be expecting Christmas. And we have another grandbaby due January 8th. I suppose I will do my best to set my focus on them to get through painful day. And if they expected grand should arrive on Christmas Day instead of 1/8/15 maybe it will help us all. We still have time to figure it all out or maybe just let it play out without thought or planning. At the moment, I am trying to plan a birthday party for my son. I haven’t gotten very far; I just know I want to release 22 royal purple balloons with messages to Heaven. I want to be surrounded by family, friends and his friends. People who miss him and have good memories to share. People who aren’t afraid to say his name; people who aren’t afraid to see me cry. People who aren’t afraid to make me laugh by reminding me of something silly, or foolish that he did. People that truly loved him.