I am bitter. I am fulled to the top with bitterness. I cannot help it. I am overcome with self-pity. I am overwhelmed with heartbreak. I am not the person I used to be. I am forever changed and seemingly not for the better. As Zachary’s birthday inches closer, the pain is sharpening. He should be here. 21 was too young to end a life. I saw Christmas trees on display at a store the other day. I wanted to vomit. How will Christmas ever be the same? Every Christmas will now be the anniversary of the 4 hours of our son missing and then the Coroner on the doorstep. How do we celebrate that?