Because I don’t know how to answer that. I suck. Life sucks. I want my son back. I miss his face. I don’t want his birthday to be on Monday. I want him to be here and beg me to make homemade buttercream icing instead of store bought crap to put on his cake. I want to see him go out with his friends and here his Dad say, “I love you man. Don’t drink and drive.” I want young adults everywhere to learn how to reach out when they are at the bottom of a well. I want them to learn that life isn’t perfect but it is worth living. I want them to learn that whatever they are going through in that moment in time that is propelling them toward suicide, will pass. Life will knock you down but people will help you get up again. I have had a lot of hands stretched out to help me since Christmas Day and I am grateful for each and every one of them. I don’t know how I would have survived without them. I hate this new life without Zachary, but it is what it is. I have to move forward. I have children to love and mother. I have a husband to love and take care of. I have grandbabies to spoil. I have a mother who I love and I would never put in the position that I am in. I have extended family that I love and can’t leave behind. I will not bail on those who need me. Zachary—you BAILED on all of us. It hurts. I fought for you from pregnancy to the day you died. I never stopped loving you, encouraging you and standing up for you. AND YOU F**KING BAILED ON ME! And I can’t even hate you for it. I will love you, miss you and mourn your loss until God calls me home.