11 months

Today marks 11 months of life without you in it. It doesn’t seem possible that I could survive this long, but somehow I have. I guess this marks the end of counting months and from here forward we will count the years. I would give anything to have you back again. I would do anything to have just one more conversation with you. There are so many things I wish I could tell you. I have watched the DVD of your Celebration of Life countless times; every time I wonder if you saw it. Did you see the crowd that gathered to remember you? Did you hear all the people that spoke about what an inspiration you were to them? Did you hear all the love pouring out for you? Did you see the ocean of tears wept for you? Did you feel the actual hearts as they were breaking for you? So many months gone by with still so many unanswered questions. And so many years looming before me to ponder the unanswered until I get to see you again on flip-side.

I love and miss you more than words, Mom


7 responses to “11 months

  1. Melissa- You are only a very few days ahead of us on this journey. The 28th of November marks our 11 months. Yes, the next 28th will be a true ‘anniversary’, and then on into year 2. I was thinking, the last time I saw Jake was December 17th, on our last family visit to Palm Springs. I spoke with him and texted after that, but our very last text was a little testy, and that is the bitter taste I have left to ponder for ever. So many years to ponder. Peace to you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m thinking of both you as you near the one-year. I’m sorry you’ve experienced such a tragic loss. Please know you are not alone on this journey regardless of how isolated you may feel sometimes. A mother’s love for her boy is strong, unconditional, and never ending. ❤️

      Liked by 2 people

      • Thank you for your kind words. We are lucky to have a group of friends that stood by us from the very first moment, and continue to help and support us. WE have voluntarily isolated ourselves from time to time, but we re coming back into the world slowly.

        Not to put too fine a point on your last thought, but so is a father’s. Peace to you.

        Liked by 2 people

      • Thank you. I do quite often feel alone even when surrounded by people. I often feel like nobody loves him like I do or nobody misses him like I do. I have become selfish in my grief; as if I hurt more than anyone else. I try to keep in check and remember that the rest of the family loves and misses him too.

        Liked by 1 person

    • We will get through this dreadful December. Somehow we have to learn to let go of the unkind words spoken. They are part of life. I have a few words I wish I could take back but I am trying to make peace with them. You and yours will be in my thoughts and prayers this month.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Melissa, I have come to love Zachary through your writing about him, very nearly as I love my own son, and I have nothing that can take away your pain of missing him, just as nothing can take away the pain of my missing William, but please take some small comfort in the fact that his memory is alive, as you share your memories of him with us. And as we hold him, and some part of his essence, in our hearts and minds, he is still among us in some way. Much love to you and your family.

    Liked by 2 people

    • sorry it has taken me so long to respond to your comment. Thank you for the kind words. It is amazing to me that complete strangers out in the blogosphere have the ability to comfort me, and truly understand.


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