Dear Zachary

Dear Zachary,
You are now in the company of your stepfather, the only daddy that was there for you for the majority of your life.
You know he was my anchor and now I am left here drifting. He was home to me, no matter where we were, as long as we were together that is what felt like home to me. I fear I will never feel at home again. I am struggling. Somewhat the same struggle as losing you, but also completely different. Had you lived, you would have flown from the nest. Had he lived we would always be together in the same space. Facing forever without you felt impossible but I learned to survive. I am back in the learning to survive mode and I have to say, I really hate it here. The hurting is the same familiar ache, but missing a member of the team is very different than missing the co-captain.
He got both of us through every crisis since 1999. I don’t know who is supposed to get me through the crisis of losing him.
I will love and miss you both, for the rest of my days.

12 Years of Forever and Never

I will love you until my last breath. The longing to have you here will never cease. The heartbreak that I carry cannot be measured and will be with me always. Infinite love and pain intertwined in my heart forever.

I only have 21 years of memories with you. The ability to make new ones abruptly stolen from me.  Never a new conversation with you nor a new photograph of you. 

The world did not stop with your exit. My life is forever divided into the before and after. My world paused and gradually started turning again. All of my new memories tainted by your absense. My heart breaks for the things you are not a part of. Every year that passes, I wonder how I have continued breathing without you. My life is a beautiful mess. So many blessings and so much grief, intertwined inside my heart. Joy and sadness always side by side.

Happy 33rd Birthday

Another birthday in Heaven. Hope your spirit is good. It sucks to keep marking the years without you here. Every birthday, holiday, family gathering, and sometimes even ordinary days just feel less than. There is a hole in my heart and soul that will never be filled. You should be here. It has been nearly 12 years and your absence is still large and painful. I will mourn your loss for the rest of my days.

Your baby brother has a beautiful baby boy. I hate that you aren’t here to see him. You would love him and your brother’s wife, she is a sweetheart. You should be here for them.

Your little sister has a beautiful daughter. You would be in on all the toddler antics with her. She is almost ready for nerf gun lessons. You should be here for them.

Your unbiological twin just bought a house. You should have been part of the moving crew. You should be here for her.

Your oldest sister has two sons and a daughter. You only met the first two; they weren’t even old enough to have memories of you when you left this world. They will only know you through the stories that your sister and brother-in-law share. They are a beautiful family. You should be here for them.

You should be here for all of us. I will never get over the fact that you aren’t.

Love and miss you with every breath I take.