The moments I miss you the most are hard to explain. If I see a movie or a video game that I know you would have liked, I hate that you aren’t here. When I hear a song by Korn or Disturbed that I heard you play on your guitar it sends a sharp pain through my heart. Deep in the night, when I wake up you are no longer in your room doing your night owl stuff and I feel lonely. Every summer when the rest of the clan would go to the lake or go camping, it was just me and you (the non-outside people). When they go now, I am truly alone and I miss you more than anything. I can’t tell you what I would give to see your face, or hear you laugh, or feel you hug me. I love you kiddo.
Well searching through papers I found this poem. I don’t remember writing it but it did my heart good to find it.
My first born son, in my heart so dear
Oh how I cherished and held him near.
As an infant so small, he filled me with joy and fear
But somehow we managed through the smiles and tears.
His life was placed in my hands by God above
To care for, nurture and give all my love.
He needed me for everything
To bathe, feed, to cuddle and sing.
Today is his special day, he is ten-years-old
How did the time go by so quickly, all the memories as precious as gold.
Halfway to manhood, almost a teen
No longer a toddler who wants Mommy to sing.
Running through the halls playing video games,
Watching too much TV, calling his siblings ugly names.
I love him so much sometimes it breaks my heart
To see him growing up so fast and seemingly growing apart.
I just want him to know he is a blessing and much more
A gift straight from God that I am so thankful for.
I had no way of knowing that at 10 his life was half over. I hope the love I have for him, he can somehow feel on the other side.
Words are powerful. Granted they are only as powerful as we allow them to be but powerful none the less.
The other day, I was looking through some papers and I ran across a newspaper folded in an odd fashion. I wondered what I saved it for. I scanned the words on the page. It took mere seconds for me to realize it was the obit section. It took a bit longer for my brain to comprehend that the only name I knew was Zachary Donovan Vaughn. Even though I wrote those words, they somehow seemed new to me. Those words were painful.
Those words sent me back in time and caused a floodgate to open. Memories of kind words from so many people. I remembered a very special card that I had received following Zachary’s death. It was from a woman that I am not sure I have ever actually met. She is the mother of Zachary’s best friend. It didn’t take long for my feet to carry me to his room, to the box with all the cards we received. I read each one and I found the one from that incredible woman that I am not sure I have ever actually met. I will be eternally grateful to this woman for taking the time to write out the beautiful words she sent. She had worked with Zachary in several plays in the drama department at Woodmont High School. She mentioned how often he had been in her home and how polite he was and want a kind soul he had. She talked about Zachary being in a place where his soul was being healed. I hope she is right about that. She talked about the friendship between her son and mine. She talked about his patience as she sewed a costume for him. She mentioned how respectful he was to her and how kind he was to others. Clearly, she knew him. She knew him well enough to see all the goodness in him. Even though I don’t think we have ever met, she took the time to write to me all she knew about my son.
Beth K.—If you happen to see this blog post, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your words have brought me comfort on many occasions. I go back to your words from time to time so I can remember that others saw in him the same that I saw. It makes me proud to know I sent him out into the world and he was kind to it. My favorite part of your note is the very end ‘And it’s not the length of our lives, but the people we touch along the way that matters. We were touched in a wonderful way by Zach’.
Yes, words are powerful. I have allowed them the power to comfort me. Your words are a beautiful gift to this broken-hearted mother.