This day is hard. He was the first born child, the one who made me a mother, he isn’t here anymore. I have other children to celebrate with but it is so bittersweet. If Zachary had never been, the others would not exist. If he had not been born, my life would have taken an entirely different direction. There would be no Princess Bossy Pants, no Muddy Boot Boy, no beautiful bonus daughters and grandchildren. His birth set in to motion my entire motherhood journey.
This is the 7th Mother’s Day without him and the first without my oldest bonus daughter. The weight of loss makes it hard to celebrate anything.
I love and appreciate the 4 living children, and the grandbabies but it cannot erase the pain. I am fortunate that my mother is still alive to celebrate this day although we live in separate states and a phone call is all we will have. I have accepted that I will never be truly happy again but I have learned to be content and to seek moments of joy in ordinary days; moments of reprieve from the weight of the grief.
Holidays are harder to find reprieve.
When everyone gathers, the losses become visual. It stings like lashes from a whip.
The ones that are here, they become the salve that soothes the sting.
Mother’s Day 2013