It has been eight years since you left us.
The first year was like a sharp stabbing pain right through the heart. Shock and horror and disbelief; refusal to accept that this is real; refusal to accept this is my life, my tragedy.
The second year was still like a sharp stabbing pain but of acceptance instead of disbelief. Accepting that this is real; accepting that this is my life, my tragedy.
Years three through now have all been much the same but the pain is dull and achy and has lost the sharpness. I know you are gone; never coming back. All I can do is function inside the pain. The physical toll of the pain is real; I function but not like before. I focus on the mundane tasks of life; dishes, laundry, meals; it is survival. I do not have the physical stamina to do more than what is necessary and life sustaining. Taking care of the daily things is more exhausting than I could ever explain. I am bone tired and soul weary.
So much as happened in the years since you left us. Some of it, I am glad you missed if I am being honest. I have lost more loved ones. It sometimes feels like you are collecting my people. You now have all of my grandparents and one of my parents; my Jenni girl and Landon; you have both of Randy’s brothers and parents; you have a sibling. If no other tragedy strikes and the natural order of things is not again disrupted, you will likely have my mother and husband before I get there. I pray everyday you do not have another sibling before I get there. I fear a third child loss would likely be more than I could endure.
People like to say that you are watching down on us and I truly hope this is not true. I believe in Heaven and it is a place of perfection. Perfection would not include watching us struggle with our worldly troubles. Your perfection should not include the things we deal with here on earth. Heaven is a place of peace and no suffering, if you were watching down on us you would see our human suffering which would cause you suffering and give you no peace. So, no I do not believe you are watching and I am glad you are not. Your soul is free and joyful, that is my only consolation for living without you.
Yes, it has been eight long years since you left us. I am still here, surviving the seemingly unsurvivable.
I love you and miss you every single minute of every single day.
Gone, never forgotten