Feeling Guilty

I found a poem/song lyrics written by Zachary, on his ipod, almost immediately after his death. I have kept it a secret all this time. I did not share it with anyone because deep down I felt that it was directed at me personally. Today, I finally broke down and shared it with one of my best friends and her perspective was completely different. She spent her morning listening to me cry and letting me know that the words were directed at his peers, and probably the world at large. She said that they were the words of his mental illness not Zachary’s words. I want to believe that with all of my heart but I still can’t quite let go of feeling guilty of making him feel this way.

Just To Die

I was born to die
So why should I fight
To be alive is a fools delight
You say you love life but it’s not true
You shorten yours as I do to
Your way’s excepted mine is not
So you all stare with horrible thoughts
You all say you love me but I’m no fool
You all use me like a tool
I read that love was filled with worth and glee
But all I feel is a knife in me
As all the lies
Build up over time
Twisting turning breaking my mind
I wear a fake smile and try not to cry
But its hard to try
Because I’m always alone inside
Hold me underwater watch me drown
See as my frown turns upside down
Or cut a smile under my chin
The red will stain my skin to make a silly grin
I will no longer fight to be alive
Because after all I was born just to die

Zachary Sept 16, 2013

Zachary, I am so sorry I didn’t recognize the deep pain you were living with. I am sorry I couldn’t save you. I am sorry for so many things. Love always, Mom


4 responses to “Feeling Guilty

  1. Honey, as I told you this morning, I see and hear nothing there directed at his family. He was so misunderstood by so many people. Only those that took the time to get to know him, saw that he was the kindest, most genuine, loving soul to behold. So many people rejected him for so many intolerable reasons. These words, penned by his mental illness, were directed at those people who caused him pain. Never you–not his sweet Momma. He idolized you. You never let me tell you what he said to me. He pulled me aside and he told me that he was so happy that you and I had met because he knew that I truly loved you as much as he did. He knew that I would always take care of you and I wouldn’t ever let you down. I asked him, “How do you know?” His response, “One-I just know these things. And two-my mom never eats for anyone. She eats with you and you make her happy.” I looked at him and said, “You know what kid, you are exactly right.” And he was. I will always take care of you. So don’t you bail on me sister because I need somebody to take care of! I love you!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I’m sorry your baby didn’t see – couldn’t see – other options for dealing with his pain.
    I’m glad you shared this poem. It’s hard to carry something like that alone. It gets distorted and twisted in our grieving minds and we need help to see it more clearly.
    It is so obvious to me in how you write and what you share that you loved your son very, very much.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Zachary’s poem is truly heartbreaking. I know the feeling of guilt you mention, too. My son wrote very sad poems as a youth…if only I (we)could have known the future. Our sons were born with sensitive natures and an illness (I believe) borne from that nature. They were also gifted with creativity and expression.

    My way of coping with Brandon’s sad poems is that I have put them away forever. Instead, I focus on all the good art and whatever inspirational writings have surfaced. I hope you can do that, too. You have wrongfully assumed a guilt that is not yours. It is so easy to do as a mom. I hope this helps.

    Liked by 1 person

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